


someday when you leave me;

by woahrebecca



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: AU where Vaxleth never happened it's been Vaxilmore the whole time, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Angst, M/M, Spoilers, episode 88 spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-09
Updated: 2017-03-09
Packaged: 2018-10-01 12:57:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10190372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/woahrebecca/pseuds/woahrebecca
Summary: In which Gilmore tries, Vax dies and a bird flies





	

**Author's Note:**

> Here's a disclaimer: I fell behind in CR because of life (hence no updates to my other fic) and I'm only up to ep77 but I saw the spoilers about this and I had to write this for my boys.
> 
> Shoutout to kaity/cinderfell for answering all my dumb questions because I wrote a fic for something I haven't even SEEN 
> 
> also "bec how does gilmore have speak with animals he's a wizard he can't have that?" MAGIC INITIATE FEAT OR SOMETHING SHHHH LET ME HAVE MY ANGST

Gilmore’s house in Whitestone is silent, silent except for the sobs escaping from Percy and Keyleth and Grog and the projection of Pike, louder than those combined are the sobs coming from Vex and Gilmore himself, even Tary lets out a single tear where he stands in the doorway.

 

Gilmore feels numb, numb right down to his bones, he’s cold and numb in his heart, in his very soul. The very essence of his being feels like it’s had all it’s life drained out of it, just like Vax, his lover who’s laying right in front of him, still and unmoving. Dead.

 

Vax, his Vax, his flirty, risk-taking rogue flirted with death one time too many and took a risk that he shouldn’t have. His long black hair cascades over the edge of the table he’s laid upon, almost touching the ground and Gilmore runs his hands through it softly, tenderly, trying hard to only look at Vax’s face and not the rest of him. Not the rest of what’s left of him. 

 

But over the sounds of the sobs of his party, Gilmore doesn’t want to think about that.

* * *

They tried though, they tried so hard to bring him back.

 

Pike projected in using the power of Sarenrae, and Vax was a paladin of the Raven Queen, and Kashaw was there, if they needed Vesh. Three God’s were linked to this room and this ritual and even then it wasn’t enough.

 

Vex offered a small trinket that Vax had stolen for her back when life was simpler and it was just the two of them, when the biggest threat to their lives was the wilderness and guards of the cities they travelled through. It disintegrated.

 

Keyleth offered a raven feather, dark as the night sky outside, offered it to the Raven Queen, to Sarenrae, to Vesh as she placed it in Vax’s hair, mirroring the blue feathers in Vex’s hair. They caught fire and turned to ashes.

 

Gilmore, Gilmore gave what Vax already knew was his. Gilmore, in the most Gilmore way, gave his heart to Vax, declared his love in front of all of Vox Machina - it wasn’t a surprise to any of them, Vax and Gilmore had been suspected for a long time by them all - and promised to marry Vax when he came back and all this was done. Gilmore gave his heart to bring Vax back. It shattered in two, cleaved in half.

 

They heard the caw of a raven that had been perched on the outside of the windowsill, watching over the ordeal, and when it flew away they knew that Vax had left them too.

* * *

They buried Vax near the house that had been repurposed as a place for him to worship the Raven Queen before the rest of Vox Machina had to leave again, one member short, but to the uninformed it wouldn’t have been that out of place, with Vax’s ability to hide in plain sight.

 

Gilmore wished he was just hiding stealthily behind a door that he would open and see the grin on Vax’s face that he loved so much, but when he walked back to his house after saying goodbye to the group - he flexed his hand, the way Vex had gripped it tight with tears in her eyes left a red mark - there was no Vax sitting at his table like he so desperately hoped.

* * *

For three days, Gilmore barricaded himself in his house.

 

For three days, Gilmore ignored Sherri knocking on his door, demanding to be let in.

 

For three days, Gilmore stared at the other side of his bed, expecting Vax to appear there when he blinked, like he had never left.

 

On the fourth day, he was woken up by the all too familiar caw of a raven that had somehow made it’s way into his house and had perched itself at the end of his bed where it now sat, staring at him.

 

“Is this your idea of a sick joke!” Gilmore called out, not even entirely sure who he was calling out to, to Vesh, to Sarenrae, to the Raven Queen, to the very universe itself. He threw a pillow towards the bird which flew out of the way with ease, evading the pillow that made a soft thud on the ground where it impacted, and the raven cocked its head towards Gilmore before cawing once more. Gilmore rolled over, his back to the bird and went back to sleep.

 

When he woke hours later, he saw the bird sitting on the other side of his bed, it’s claws digging into the pillow that Vax would use when he stayed with Gilmore. The raven pecked towards the pillow and pulled out a thread of long black hair and held it in its beak, cocking its head towards Gilmore again as Gilmore felt the tears well up in his eyes.

 

“That is not for you! That was his side, that was his pillow, that was his hair and you are nothing but a bird! A cruel joke sent by some God that wants to see me suffer for loving him, I suppose!” he cried, his voice cracking with emotion and he turned away, his back to it as he ran his hand through his messy, oily hair as the raven sat unmoving behind him.

 

The raven dropped the strand of hair and it fell back against the pillow, as it opened its beak again.

 

“Gil” it said, in place of a caw this time, and Gilmore whipped his head around to stare at this raven.

 

“Gil” it said again, breaking the silence.

 

He would call him Gil, Vax would call him Gil, would let it out in a singsong voice as he walked through the door, would let it out in a breathy sigh against Gilmore’s lips when they kissed, would call it out at night in bed.

 

Gilmore took a deep breath, stopping the tears that had started again because of that simple three letter word, he calmed himself, before he spoke again.

 

“Vax?” it was nothing more than a whisper, of a defeated man who felt so dumb for hoping this raven could somehow be Vax, but of a man desperate enough to believe it could be.

 

“Gil!” the bird called louder, and flew over to perch itself of Gilmore's shoulder, and Gilmore choked back a sob as the raven attempted to bury its head into the space between his neck and shoulders.

* * *

Thankfully, in his many years as a magic caster, Gilmore had come across Speak with Animals, and as someone who liked to broaden his horizons, he had spent some time learning it.

 

He outstretched a finger, and the raven climbed onto it and Gilmore held it in front of his face as he cast the spell. There was a moment or two of silence, then he spoke.

 

“Vax’ildan? Is it really you?”

 

“Yes, Shaun. It’s me.” the raven spoke, in the same voice Gilmore remembered of Vax’s and for the first time in half a week, he smiled.

 

“Is this temporary? Forgive me for not knowing but the magic of the Raven Queen reincarnating her champion as a raven isn’t exactly my area of expertise”

 

“This is permanent, or at least until I choose to return to Her side. She knew I couldn’t bare to leave you, so She let me come back, even if I am stuck like this.” and the raven - Vax - raised its wings it was could’ve been a shrug.

 

“I’m so happy you came back to me, no matter the form.”

* * *

It was a few weeks later, when Vox Machina returned again, when they came knocking on his door as the sun was just rising. He opened the door with his over the top enthusiasm he always had, with Vax back - even if he was now a raven - he had cleaned himself up after not looking after himself for nearly five days, and the cold, numb feeling in the core of his being had gone, his exuberant personality returned.

 

Vax was perched on his shoulder as they all walked in, asking him if he wanted to return to Emon and if he could work on anything for them, just like old times, as Vax flew between all of them which garnered odd and slightly concerned looks from each of them.

 

“I’ll see what I can do for you all in regards to your requests, but I’m afraid I cannot return to Emon yet, I’ve made myself at home here, I’m all set up here and it’d take too long for me to get this same setup back there and if you truly need what you’re asking me for, I’ll have to stay here.”

 

“That’s fine, Gilmore, honestly, we’ll come back past in a few weeks and see how you’re coming along, okay?” Vex said, resting a hand on his shoulder as Vax flew and landed in her hair as the rest of Vox Machina walked outside and waited.

 

“How are you coping, Vex’ahlia? I can imagine it’s been quite a difficult few weeks for you.” 

 

“It’s. Been difficult yes, but the rest of them have been so supportive, Percy especially, that it’s been easier. It still hurts though, there’s not a moment where it doesn’t hurt. Where I don't expect to see him waltz out of the shadows and call me-”

 

“Stubby!!” the bird called out as it messed up Vex’s hair and she froze, staring at Gilmore who smiled at her.

 

“You’re a ranger. Speak to him.” and he left the room, and left them alone

* * *

“Why didn’t she let you come back as you?” Gilmore asked late one night years and years later, as the wind howled outside and snow fell down around the house.

 

Vax dipped his head down where he was sitting upon Gilmore's finger, “because it didn’t work.”

 

Gilmore winced a little, they had tried and he had promised the last bit of himself to Vax - and he was going to stick by his word, not the proposal of marriage he can’t marry a bird, but he had told Vax that he was the only man he wanted, and he would honour that - and it had all been for nothing.

 

Vax pecked at Gilmore's finger softly, pulling him out of his thoughts of what had happened and back into the present,  “That’s not to say I didn’t hear you though, I heard you, at first I couldn’t hear anything over the caws of countless ravens all around me but, then they went silent and I could hear you, only you, over it all.”

 

“Oh, well. I’m glad you died at least knowing.”

 

“I would’ve said yes, Shaun.”

 

And when Gilmore fell asleep that night, he did not wake, and the raven was never seen again.


End file.
